STRANGE FACTS ABOUT THE ISLAND OF MAORANGI PORA PUNDA Part 1

Like the foregoing stories this one was first written for the Paperback Swap board. If you aren't familiar with it, it's a great site where you can swap your already read books for new ones at only the cost of postage. Tell the board that Herbert M. sent you. I have to use a lot of different aliases to keep the sheriff at bay.
Well boys and girls time for your old uncle Hoody to spin another yarn. WARNING. IF YOU DON'T LIKE SILLY DON'T READ THIS. But then if you don't like silly what the heck are you doing here?
I got to thinking about travel books and National Geographic and ended up with this tale.

STRANGE FACTS ABOUT THE ISLAND OF MORANGI PORA PUNDA by Billy Whiskers

Morangi Pora Punda is the smallest inhabited island in the world. It has a population of 113. The population is evenly divided There are 56.5 men and 56.5 women. They have never pinned down who the odd one is. All the men are named Joe except one. His name is Sue. That might be a clue. All of the women are named Fancy. None of them are. The native dress consists of skirts made of Kelp. They wear them till they get dry and crackly and then go down to the beach to shop for new clothing. Their currency is hermit crabs and the richest man on the island is the one who owns the kelp concesion. He keeps his hermit crabs in pens which wash out at high tide so he has to declare bancruptcy twice a day.
The highest point on the island is 3.6 feet above sea level. During the high tides there are only 22 square feet of dry land above water. The women are hoisted onto the mens shoulders and everyone stands around and waits till the water goes down. This is an important part of their native courtship ritual. A woman must be sure a man can support her. Since there isn't room enough for everyone, some of them have to take turns treading water. This is done by drawing straws. There was a great deal of confusion five years ago when someone got hungry and ate the straws. Fortunately a broom washed up on the beach in the nick of time. The Guiness book of records reports that the world record for treading water is held by one of the islanders named Joe. He had eaten most of a case of garlic that washed up on the island and no one would allow him to stand next to them.
The natives do not trust anyone on the island to be head man and so Presidents are elected who are not native to the island. Past distinguished presidents include Mahatma Ghandi, Jane Goodall, Barbara Bush, Johnny Cash, Madonna and Tarzan. None of them ever heard of the Island and no one got around to telling them they had been elected.
Morangi Pora Punda's economy is supported by fleecing tourists and visiting anthropologists. Once a year a ship pulls in and picks up the fleeces trading them for canned Spam, soda crackers and Sam's Club diet coke. This, plus whatever washes up on the beach comprise the native diet. Their food is flavored by rolling it in the sand. Several years ago a cargo box full of shoes washed up on the beach. There was much rejoicing and it was almost a year before all the shoes were eaten. The cargo box was declared the Presidential Palace in case one of their Presidents ever finds out where they are and comes to visit.
Most of the islanders have pet octopi which they wear on their heads to protect them from the sun. This accounts for the circular red marks on their foreheads which many anthropologists have mistaken for tribal tattoos.
The Island of Morangi Pora Punda was once notorious for frequent shark attacks. Numbers have fallen in recent years since most of the sharks got tired of being attacked and left.
The Island has another claim to fame. Besides being the world's smallest inhabited island it also has the world's smallest volcano. It is two feet wide and one foot high. There is a prediction that the island will be destroyed if a virgin is not thrown into the volcano every full moon. There are two problems with this ritual, the first being one of supply. It is also difficult to throw someone into a volcano that small. They have compromised by taking turns sitting on the volcano. Tourists throng the island at this time to film the colorful dance that follows called the OOO OOOW dance when the sacrifice leads the entire tribe in a wild dance where they all jump up and down fanning their posteriors with hats stolen from the tourists. This is followed by a ritual called, "The eating of the hats".
The rest of the time they keep a bean pot simmering on the volcano in hopes that someday a legendary being they call, "The sacred tourist" will show up with some beans.

More about this fascinating island tomorrow.

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