THE BARREL DEMON - Conclusion

Well boys and girls here it is. The conclusion of another exciting tale from a twisted brain. Let me know what you think. I'll take a couple of days before I start another story. I have to warn you. They just keep getting sillier. I have to go scrub the kitchen floor now. My cat just tried to cross it and she's stuck.
If you haven't already read parts one and two of this story scroll down and read them before this one.

THE BARREL DEMON - Conclusion


"His wife. That's another problem. Last week Harry gave his wife a mink stole. Now my Sadie won't be happy till she has a full length coat. Sable, she wants. Also she wants a whole outfit to match. I told her she wants to match a fur coat, she should let her mustache grow and quit shaving her legs."
Harry noticed that the demon was squirming around and kept scratching himself. "So what's with the wiggling? You doin the pee pee dance?"
"No it's those damn fanatics in that monastary again. Every time they start chanting and praying they give me the itch".
Foozbah straightened up, held his hand over his head, made a couple of peculiar motions and then snapped his hand downward. Lightning shot from his fingertips. Morrie heard a rumble of thunder, then saw the flash of lightning and smoke boiled out of the barrel. " Fit that into your theology you meatheads!!", the demon shouted.
"Boy this a lousy job" he said to Morrie.
"You think you got a lousy job? I had to cancel my whole show. I should stand around in a barrel while you work up a new fashion line".
"Oh Oh. Emergency here. The barbarians are about to attack my holy city. This ought to be good. I got something special planned"


"Now get the picture Morrie. My sacred city is on top of a mountain. In front of the mountain is a hill with the temple of virgins on it. Most of the time the temple's empty except for two old maid sisters. All around the mountain and hill there's a flat plain inhabited only by nomad barbarian tribes. Zamboni, one of the barbarian chiefs, has managed to unite the tribes into a huge army and that army is now advancing on the mountain".
"Why do they want the city if they're nomads?"
"Oh you know. Pillage, rape, loot. It's a barbarian thing. You wouldn't understand. Mostly though they want the sacred Talisman in the great golden temple. HOO HAH, Great golden temple? It's an ugly pile of rocks painted yellow".
"So what's with the sacred Talisman, they want it so bad?"
"It's supposed to bring great power to the one who has it. Actually it's a can opener. I was opening a can of beans and I dropped it when I cut my finger. Those idiots down there never invented cans so they have no idea what it is but it's shiny and it fell from the sky with a drop of my blood on it so of course it's sacred. It fell on the top of the mountain and they built a city around it. What kind of schlemiel builds a city on top of a steep mountain with no roads up? "
"So who wants a can opener with no cans? It's not good for anything else".
" So they invented a use for it. They use it to circumcise the new priests who must remain celibate after that. Believe me, when you been circumcized with a can opener, remaining celibate is a cinch. Hoo boy. Here they come, thundering across the plains on those ugly little horses. Now they're milling around at the foot of the hill of virgins. Such a disapointment they got coming. The two sisters ran to the edge of the hill and started beckoning to them".
"Enough already with the barbarians. What about my problem?"
" Come on Morrie, cut me some slack. This is more fun than I've had in years. I really got something great planned here".
"All right, already. I shouldn't spoil your fun. Then maybe we can work on my new fashion line?"
"I promise. Just let me have a little fun first. I don't get to rout a barbarian army every day. All right, here we go".


"The barbarians are holding a war council at the bottom of the hill. They are arguing over whether to capture the hill first of go on to the city. The old maids are setting out casseroles on a picnic table and inviting them to dinner. Finally, in desperation, they offer them milk and fudge brownies. OH OH Here we go. My secret weapon just arrived at the foot of the mountain. Get this Morrie. It's a stroke of genius if I have to say so myself.
I told the high priest to round up all the women they could find that weighed over 300 pounds. They have each been tattoed with my sacred mark, which by the way happens to be a footprint. They're dressed in flowing white robes."
The demon was beginning to giggle now.
"Here they come, marching up the hill. Such huffing and puffing you never heard. They sound like steam engines. Now they're TEE HEE lining up in a row on top of the hill. The barbarians catch sight of them HOO HOO. They're running for their horses. Now they're galloping up the hill. The barbarians got a thing about fat ladies. Their own tend to be scrawny. They're almost HEE HEE halfway up. The high priest blows his trumpet and all the ladies turn their backs to the enemy. HOO HAW. The barbarians are almost there. The high priest blows his trumpet again and all the ladies bend over AAAAHAHA. I can't stand it. They all pull up their skirts exposing the tattoo of my sacred footprint. They're mooning the barbarians!! THE HORSES ARE REARING. HOOOOHAAAAWHAAAW"
Foozbah was beating the side of the barrel and howling with laughter at his own outrageous pun. He almost fell out of it a couple of times.
"Oh Morrie, I wish you could see this. HAHAHAHA. That's it. They're falling off. The barbarians are beaten. They're limping back across the plain trying to catch their horses."
" So while you're fooling around with fat ladies in a barrel, Harry Goldstein is running away with my customers. Right now being a God in a barrel doesn't look so bad. We should trade places".
Foozbah stepped out of the barrel. "Thanks Morrie".
"I thought you weren't allowed out of the barrel."
"Well, you see Morrie I'm not really a demon. I made a wizard mad once and he put a spell on me. Once every thousand years somebody gets a chance to break the spell and today is that day". His pig snout was beginning to shrink and he was losing his green color.
Morries skin felt odd as though it was squirming around. "ME? You telling me I broke the spell all by myself?"
"You had to say it three times"
Three Morries appeared from thin air.
The first said,"You should try the garment business. You'd want back in the barrel in a week".
The second said,"I should stand around in a barrel while you work out a new fashion line".
The third said, "Right now being a God in a barrel doesn't look so bad. We should trade places".
The three Morries dissapeared with a popping sound.
"HEY!!!", shouted Morrie,"What's going on?" He was having trouble speaking as his nose stretched into a snout.
Foozbah was changing also. His snout had turned into a nose and his scales began to look like blue serge, a little ragged at the cuffs and baggy in the seat, just like Morries suit.
Only Morries suit wasn't a suit any more. It was scales. He was dismayed to find himself standing in a barrel.
"You see the only way I could get out of the barrel is for someone else to get in and they had to offer to do it three times".
"How do you like the new me Morrie"? Foozbah now looked exactly like the old Morrie Feldman. He brushed his hair over his bald spot with one hand.
"HEY, let me out of this thing". Morrie was trying to climb out of the barrel.
"Sorry Morrie. Maybe in a thousand years. Enjoy your new career. Not everybody has their very own world".
Foozbah scraped out the pentagram with his shoe and Morrie and the barrel both disappeared.
THE END

SOMEBODY PLEASE BUY SOMETHING OUT OF MY STORE. I CAN'T GET INTO MY GARAGE; http://hoodat-teeshirts-andmore.ecrater.com/



:.